Category: Hysteria

  • ‘If this is hell, it looks a lot like Margate’

    I wrote this before I gave up the booze but I still like it. Every hardened drinker has had that morning when they’re lying in bed waiting for the call. Deep down you know that you’ve fucked up, but the details elude you. There are fragments of regret that kind of make sense, but the […]

  • The last time I got blootered

    It happened a while ago now. I’d been off the booze for months but got beaten up on a job, sustained three broken ribs and a busted up face, so I went straight to the shops for a promotional sized bottle of whisky and ordered a big bag of Banana Kush.  I sat in my […]

  • The Walking Unvaxxed

    They walk among us. Not shuffling or rotting or moaning in a woeful pitch but just walking among us, with bags and stuff. The usual shit we all carry. However, these walkers are the unvaxxed and one of them could be sitting next to you right now, on a bus. When Rick Grimes woke up […]

  • Job hunting in dystopia

    One afternoon you rock up to your hospitality job with a hangover, only to find that it’s closed its doors indefinitely and suddenly you’re unemployed again. With fuck all in your savings account, you decide to drown your sorrows in the pub across the road, but it’s closed its doors too. The next morning you jump […]

  • Headbanger

    For two months, a bird’s been attacking my window with gusto. In fact, I now call the bird Gusto because I’ve never encountered a creature with such tenacity and mindless courage. The first time Gusto slammed into my window, feet, and headfirst, I almost shat myself because I was doing the dishes and the window […]

  • A lockdown fairy tale

    It’s been a long time since I’ve written about Melbourne bogans and I’ve been extremely interested in how my bogan mates from the old days spent lockdown. There are numerous assumptions I could make involving bongs, smoking inside, Studio 10, KFC, and four-litre casks of wine from the local BWS but that’s all hearsay and […]

  • Riding the 19 tram (pre-COVID lockdown)

    Once upon a time when I was a commuter … The 19 tram is a fickle beast, prone to fits of madness, rage, and the inevitable delays of Melbourne public transport. For the most part, I like my tram route because it goes up Royal Parade past Princes Park and glides up Sydney Road spewing […]

  • Second Wave 2: another guest post by Cam Beatty

    “If you can hear me, open your eyes,” the voice says as I come to with a sharp breath. My head is spinning, lying here on this bed in a room that immediately fills me with the frustration of not knowing where I am. Everything hurts. The woman tells me that she managed to get […]

  • Flogging a dead horse with Teddy (2007)

    Photo compliments of Nadine Ross The taxi ride home from the civil court was civil. Emma sat in silence, wringing her hands while I stared out the window at homes, I would never live in. It was my second trip to the civil court in six months and I vowed never to return. But when […]

  • Second Wave: a guest blog by Cam Beatty

    It was pretty much as I expected. When the apocalypse came he was a liability … And when things got bad, he came to me because I was his friend. He trusted me. I’d always looked out for him I suppose. When you’ve already had experiences together you get a good sense of what they’ll […]